Always a Valkyrie

By the end of the day yesterday my glutes and hamstrings and triceps and core were all exhausted and on fire and aching. I frequently did not want to stand upright at work last night because my core was just done with me and my shenanigans. I wanted to lay down. I haven't kicked my own ass like that since Blade in Valkyrie Squad.

Oh.. Valkyrie Squad..

Sometimes I miss Valkyrie Squad. It was such a huge part of my life for almost two years. I left because of a family emergency living situation... but I've stayed away because of my Mental Health.

I was so involved in Valkyrie Squad that it was taking up a lot of my life, in a way that wasn't healthy anymore. I was on the podcast: brainstorming, listening, writing and editing. I was moderating on the discord: posting, replying, supporting, problem solving, and trying to be in so many places at once. Then workouts. Then meet ups. Valkyrie Squad had become a Job, and I wasn't an employee, it was all volunteer work. And I loved it SO MUCH, and it was all worth it. but somewhere along the way, I started getting lost. I didn't have as much time for my family because I was always giving my time to VS. I didn't have as much time for myself, which was the whole purpose of me starting on that journey- to find myself again and get stronger, more free in my mind and my body. And I had given so much of myself to Valkyrie Squad that I had gotten lost again.

I struggled to do the workouts because instead of finding who I was on the mat as I had in the beginning, I was searching again. Like I'd lost my glasses and couldn't see to pick them up. I pushed myself through the first three phases, completing Novice, Blade, and Valkyrie twice... I never completed Ataraxia, though I tried.

So when that situation came up and I had to put a pause on everything and leave for the unknowable future... it was honestly was just the right moment. Ultimately, it was time to let go. On top of figuring out at the last second where we were going to live, I had to figure out who I was and what I wanted, and how to embrace that authentically. The tricky part is, I'm still changing. I'm still growing. I don't know if I'll ever "find myself," because who I am is never the same from one day to the next. Yesterday, I was a fucking tank. A beast, hitting personal bests left and right and repping out heavy weights until my muscles shook so hard I had to drop them. Today, I'd rather be a jellyfish- brainless and aimlessly floating on a current contentedly.

Part of this Journey I'm on is being able to bend when I need to, flex when it's time to, and let go when something is no longer right for me. So I let Valkyrie Squad go with all the love in my heart, and hope that one day I won't feel so fucking lost.

I still run sword drills in the rain. I still practice Mindstilling, though maybe not always with an audio guide as awesome as Becca. There are parts of Valkyrie Squad that will never leave me.

I'll always be a Valkyrie. You never forget shit like that.